Working Through Grief

Loss is something we all experience in our lives and, as a result, there are as many theories on how to deal with it as the day is long. I use a combination of approaches tailored to the individual needs of every person as grief different for everyone.

I do find myself continuously returning to the work of J. William Worden, who developed the Tasks of Mourning. Instead of seeing grief as something that simply happens to us, Worden suggested actively working through grief. This gives us autonomy at a time when the world can feel out of control.  It also encompasses the understanding that loss is not something we get over, it is something we learn to live with.

These tasks don’t happen in a neat linear progression. We oscillate between them, between life as usual and through periods of deep grief.

1. Accepting the Reality of the Loss

The first task is accepting the reality that the person has died. At first, this can feel impossible. This sense of unreality is a natural protective response.

The work of acceptance occurs when we complete the tasks of funerals, memorial services and the administrative tasks of bereavement. It also helps to talk about what happened, to share memories and visit meaningful places. Our social groups have time limits for these kinds of activities, even though they shouldn’t. Find friends who are happy to share your experiences and join a grief support group or find a grief counsellor.

2. Processing the Pain of Grief

The second task involves allowing oneself to experience the emotional pain of the loss rather than avoiding or suppressing it. In many cultures, people are subtly encouraged to move on quickly or “stay strong.” But unexpressed grief will resurface, sometimes through depression, anxiety, physical symptoms, or emotional numbness.

Dip into your loss and pain when you feel strong enough to do so. Sit quietly somewhere and think about your person, look at photographs and think about your favourite memories. Don’t spend too much time here, and afterwards make sure you ground yourself (here’s a quick box breathing exercise  and a grounding exercise to help!) You can also work through the pain of loss by talking with supportive friends and family or using art or journaling to work through complex feelings.

Work through all the feelings you have without judgement and with kindness and self-compassion. Be very gentle.

3. Adjusting to a World Without the Person Who Died

The third task involves learning how to live in a world that has been fundamentally changed by the loss.

External adjustments can involve taking on new responsibilities that your spouse used to handle, moving house or learning new skills.

Internal adjustments mean asking yourself who you are without this person in your life. What does your life look like moving forward?

4. Finding an Enduring Connection While Moving Forward

Your person is not physically with you, but your relationship continues and you need to find ways to keep the connection you have.

These connections might include:

• Speaking to the person in quiet moments

• Celebrating their birthday or special dates

• Sharing stories about them with others

• Creating new traditions for holidays

Grief reflects the depth of our love and attachment. The tasks described by Worden remind us that mourning is not about leaving the person behind—it is about learning how to carry them forward in a different way.

With time, support, and patience, many people find that while the pain of loss never completely disappears, it can gradually coexist with meaning, memory, and even moments of renewed joy.