How to Talk to Children About Death and Dying
- Nikki Fotheringham
- Jan 14
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 21
The reason parents and family members are reticent is that they want to protect their children from the suffering associated with death. Unfortunately, they can’t be protected, and excluding them leaves them feeling alone and unable to talk to adults about how they feel.
Children are smart and perceptive and they will know that something is up. You are showing them that the way to deal with death is to not speak about it and to hide your feelings. They will do so because they are mirroring your behaviour and trying to protect you in turn. This can lead to a very lonely grief journey and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Bring them into the conversation and create a safe space for them to deal with all the big feelings that come with the loss of a loved one.
You want to protect your children from pain. That instinct is deeply human.
You may find yourself thinking:
“I’m waiting for the right time.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I’ll wait for them to bring it up.”
But research and clinical experience tell us something important: Children can only cope with what they know.
When we avoid talking about death, children don’t feel protected—they feel:
Isolated
Anxious
Confused
Alone with their imagination
Children are already sensing that something is wrong. Silence often invites them to imagine scenarios that are far scarier than reality.
A common myth is that children must reach a certain age before they can “handle” conversations about death.
In reality, children struggle with abstract ideas at any age, including:
Finality (“forever”)
Causality (“why?”)
Universality (“will this happen to everyone?”)
So instead of waiting for full understanding, we start with the concrete and build slowly to the abstract.
Children take language literally.
Instead of euphemisms like:
“Passed away”
“Lost”
“In a better place”
Use clear, gentle language:
“Died”
“Their body stopped working”
“They cannot come back”
For example:
“When someone dies, their body stops working and cannot be fixed. Their heart stops beating. They can’t breathe, think, or feel pain anymore.”
This honesty reduces fear and misunderstanding.
What openness looks like:
Listening more than talking
Inviting questions
Answering honestly, step-by-step
Saying “I don’t know” when we don’t know
Using “I wonder” when as a leading question for example – I wonder what other kids would asked? Would you like to know what questions other kids have asked? What are you afraid would happen if…
Remember: Connection matters more than correctness.
When a child asks a question, it’s often a great opportunity. Here's how to best capitalize on this:
Validate: “That’s a really important question.”
Respond concretely: Step-by-step, without graphic detail
Check in: “Was that helpful?”
Invite more questions
You can always say:
“I don’t know, but we can wonder about it together.”
You may need to answer the same questions many times as understanding is layered.
If your child doesn't want to ask questions, try "I wonder" questions. for example: I wonder what other children would feel. I wonder what questions other children would have. Would you like to know some of the questions other children have asked?
For adults, grief is like wading through a river. For children, it’s like puddle-jumping. But when they’re in that puddle—it’s just as deep.
Children grieve:
In bursts
In “chunks”
While still playing, laughing, and learning
Grief may show up as:
Anger or defiance
Hyperactivity or risk-taking
Withdrawal
Physical complaints
Being overly cautious or fearful
When grief doesn’t look like sadness, it’s still grief.
All feelings are allowed—even conflicting ones. Children can feel okay and devastated at the same time.
Grief doesn’t need fixing. Children don’t need shielding from truth. They need relationships that can hold hard conversations.
Talking about death doesn’t take pain away—but silence makes it lonelier.
Resources like youthgrief.ca and kidsgrief.ca offer child-centred tools and language to continue these conversations with care
Thank you for being willing to show up for children in the hard moments. It matters more than you know.
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